An American Model in London

For fox sake

2009-10-03T12:10:00.000+01:00

Corwin Prescott. And the fox.

Letting go

2009-10-01T01:15:00.002+01:00

Knowing when to say when.

I suck at it.

Maybe when is now.

Rick Edwards.

Roller derby broke my heart

2009-09-29T22:29:00.001+01:00

Simon.
manhattan makeup, hair by Annie Reynor.

Laughter

2009-09-27T16:08:00.000+01:00

It's enlightening and amusing when someone divulges more than she may ever realise. And boy is it juicy.

All from one "little" word. YEAHHHHHH!!!

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming which will make sense to more than one or two readers.

...Provided this photograph makes any sense.

Gary wanted me to put on some panty hose and pull it all the way up to my shoulders, with my arms on the inside no less. And then pose on a tiny stool, shaking my hair. Who am I to argue with that?

Suspended animation

2009-09-26T13:10:00.000+01:00

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reel
A fatal attraction is holding me fast
How can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladen, empty and turned to stone

A soul in tension, that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I

Pink Floyd.
(But you should know that.)
Sometimes I pay attention to lyrics I've known for so long, and they come alive again. Nearly every thought of this poetry holds some small magic for me lately.

Simon.
manhattan makeup, hair by Annie Reynor.

Invisibility

2009-09-23T20:22:00.000+01:00

Is my superpower, apparently.

Tito Trelles.

My corner

2009-09-22T18:29:00.002+01:00

Gary.

I get a lot of questions about these city nudes.
This one was amusing because a car pulled up to a red light directly in front of me, and the guy was hanging out the window calling "What magazine is this for?"

Gary is absolutely one of my favourite photographers in the world.
One, for his work. Not many people are doing something unique. But you KNOW a Breckheimer photo when you see it. And it is unequivocally good. (I'm actually planning a post about intrinsic excellence or crapola, but that will come in due time.)
Two, the entire shoot experience. The exhilaration of being nude in some of the most impossible places on earth - intersections in lower Manhattan, a glass elevator in a Times Square hotel, a Park Avenue church door on a Sunday morning, even the lobby of the Waldorf (and yes, you will see all of those). The stories that awesome yeti (thanks Sarah, haha) can tell. The fun and the laughter. Even the education; I crave to learn from such artists.

You can't be a lover

2009-09-21T17:06:00.003+01:00

If you won't love (or receive it)

or respect.

Rick Edwards.

Pernicious

2009-09-18T21:44:00.000+01:00

I'm back.

Anyone still reading? Ha.

Simon Gerzina.
manhattan makeup, hair by Annie Reynor.

Toy city

2009-08-22T14:22:00.001+01:00

Gary Breckheimer.

And the history books forgot about us...

Lost my head

2009-07-23T23:54:00.000+01:00

Danny.

Tomorrow: NYC...

You are

2009-07-18T02:07:00.003+01:00

My sweetest downfall...

Regina Spektor...

And Brooke, from a morning after which I would have hated myself a little to this day if I had not tried to freeze that moment - those feelings - in time and film forever. A day both difficult and beautiful... I'm glad she agreed to pose for me.

This was pre-Rolleiflex... my good old Canon AE-1.

I have to wake up for Roll Britannia in 4 1/2 hours, so I best get to sleep! I will be out all Saturday and Sunday (it's going to be SO fun), then mostly preparing for my trip like a crazy thing, but I'll do brief updates when possible. Hopefully it will help prevent my head from exploding - today threw a curveball at me, but I'm trying to deal with it. I want to be prepared when I get on that plane. And I need to get rested before I go!

Re-shoot

2009-07-16T21:35:00.003+01:00

The above photo of a hand-made print is a re-shoot of this (copy of a hand-made platinum print):

Ian wasn't happy with the exposed hardwood floor in the corner of our first attempt, and we finally got to shoot together again - and are doing more on Monday. These shoots are so much about fine tuning the pose and the camera (so as not to waste valuable film) that often we only get to a few poses in a two or three-hour shoot. Okay, we're kinda chatty too. I dig what he does.
These were shot on an 8x10 camera suspended over me. I adore the process... is it some sort of cliché to say that? I can't help it. And I think we're both pleased with the result.

This morning I dreamed of a photo of Brooke and me. I think it was by James, but it appears to have been inspired in my mind by the above photo(s), perhaps combined with some work Brooke has done lately. I want to make this photo... but it would mean mounting a camera on the ceiling in order to get the viewpoint. Bah. But we'll shoot each other plenty when I'm visiting..... two weeks to go. Two weeks until thoughts and words are made into reality... this simultaneously brings me peace and impatience.

I'm getting to the point again where I have more to say than I can blog. I'll be busy all weekend with Roll Britannia, the first ever European roller derby tournament! And I'm desperately trying to be prepared for my trip to New York and Minnesota. But perhaps it's best if some of my brainwaves are kept to myself for now anyway.

Please let me be able to sleep tonight.

Null

2009-07-14T23:23:00.000+01:00

Lee.

Timing

2009-07-12T13:21:00.002+01:00

It's not just the goodbye. Thoughtlessness and impossibilities... to put it mildly. But I guess that's how it always was. I just never imagined it could sink to a level where I fear that I just can't trust anyone.

I don't appreciate being lied to about my own actions, among other things.

Yeah it's cryptic. For now, it has to be.

Whatever.

I was actually pretty okay last night until it was sleep time. Then my mind decided to go rogue.
I need a distraction. We're going to the coast to stay with Danny's parents until Tuesday. I probably won't have much computer time, but I'll have internet on my phone.

When we return, it will be time to get my nose to the grindstone to get things done before my trip.

Danny. <3

Goodbye

2009-07-10T23:11:00.000+01:00

It happened a little over an hour ago. We knew it was coming, but we didn't know it would be today. My mom says it was a mere five minutes after the chaplain said they should pray, which they did. Her husband and children were there, and it was peaceful. There are tears, and we'll miss her dearly, but everyone is okay.

I think I did this portrait two years ago; it was only my second or so roll of film since I really decided to learn photography (not counting the course I took in college; my eye was not good back then). A huge portion of my mom's side of the family was at the cabin on the farm in southern Indiana. A beautiful, sunny day; she was relaxing on the porch after lunch. She was a beautiful subject, and a beautiful person. I can see her strength and grace in her eyes.

My silence

2009-07-09T17:56:00.001+01:00

Oops. Yeah, sorry about that.

The past week has had a lot of downs, sprinkled with some ups. And I suppose some writer's block.

My mom's mom has been in a decline of health for a while now, and she seems to have made her decision to let go. She's not eating or drinking. It's okay. They have lived long, healthy, beautiful lives. But my poor mom is visiting Kentucky for the third time in a very short time span.

I feel helpless. I can do very little from across the ocean. I called my mom yesterday while I knew she was making the long drive, and it seemed to be just what she needed.

Helpless. I feel it in other situations as well. I can't help those I love from so far away. Not as much as I want to, at least.

On the bright side, I have been busting my butt with trying to get more shoots around London, and planning trips. Tomorrow I finally have a second shoot with Ian Leake, and I'm looking forward to that, as I feel we only scratched the surface in our first session.

I have a few very exciting shoots in NYC in just a few weeks.
And of course then is Minnesota.........
My trip to Wales to shoot with Hugh Alison is getting booked for August 24-25.
A late September trip to Ohio is starting to come together.
I may return to L.A. as early as mid-October.
And I've had some very exciting international offers, but I'm not going to jinx those by giving specifics here just yet. I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch. But I'm so busy that Danny and I aren't sure when to take our little trip to Italy. And there are several family events in the U.S. coming up that I very much want to attend. Wow, it's a lot. I do have a desire to move us to America whenever we can make it happen. I just don't get to see certain people... person... enough. But we are working with what we have. I really should not complain. In fact, I'm grateful.

Still, I go from joyful to melancholy fairly often. You don't want to know what happens in the recesses of my mind. But it will be okay. I know this. I still smile.

ravens laughter. A wonderful friend.

I want so badly to believe

2009-07-02T15:47:00.000+01:00

That "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

The Postal Service.
And Holly, through my lens. Cameras love this girl's face.

Yesterday, I smiled. How could I not? 28 days...
Today, again, my mind is a jumble. I don't really know why. But I'm working on it, though it feels a bit like trying to decipher the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Yeah, if only it were as simple as "42".
Visit base this weekend for an American holiday? Walk with my league in the Pride Parade? Attempt to learn leg whips at Saturday's training? When to visit the coast?
Where to live? When to move? Should I join the musician's union? Should I go for this job on base? Would I be happy without derby, without the big city? Can I finally be capable of striving towards a larger goal? Can I deal with money bullshit so I can be where I want to be with the ones I love?

Shutting up the music, noise, and voices in my head for a moment, to say: Happy 5 months, Danny. I love you.

Plateau

2009-06-26T15:14:00.003+01:00

My portfolio is not what it should be. Or what it could be? I feel I'm capable of so much more, but there's always an excuse - I live so far away from almost everyone I want to work with, I can't afford to travel everywhere I want to go, I've put so much time and energy and sweat and tears into being with the man I love and have not been able to focus on modeling like I'd like. Perhaps I have gone as far as I can go.

I get paid work, even from photographers I respect so much that I would not ask a dime of them. The top people aren't begging to shoot with me, but I do well. This isn't about popularity; I firmly believe that popularity does not necessarily correlate with quality - just as in, say, the state of the music industry (I know it's not a really accurate example because of corporate interests etc, but you get the gist). I just want to be better, to create something with more draw, depth... that undefinable quality that makes someone pause with her jaw open.

Don't mind me, I'm just being emo on account of hating the universe at the moment.

My portrait of Miss Anya (a very fine model) with the wind in her hair.

Face it

2009-06-25T12:50:00.002+01:00

I'm no expert at working my own face (and I don't have as much to work with as some), but I had this idea floating around in my head, and my previous post reminded me to do it. Even if my features rarely cooperate to convey emotion in a photograph as deeply as I feel it, I think I have at least learned to connect with the camera and show some variety in look and expression.

Without including the silly ones (probably a good idea for another day, especially with some Danny and I got recently), here are my faces.

Brooks Ayola, August 2007 (makeup by Joel), and just a few weeks ago.

Danny Bourne, early 2008.

A candid shot from D. Brian Nelson, August 2007.

Lee Gillies, September 2008.

Marko Cecic-Karuzic, April 2008.

Sanders McNew, November 2007. One of the few photos in which I truly love my own facial features.

Steve Kraitt (makeup by Suki Miles), April 2009. Perhaps not really a face shot, but I think it shows some subtlety I could not achieve until recently.

T H Taylor (who also did the fabulous makeup), May 2007. I guess it's my "Blue Steel".

There are a few more, of course, but they're not quite finished. Nor is my learning and practicing!

Rock your faces off.

A good model

2009-06-24T10:10:00.001+01:00

Knows how to work her face.

Wow. This girl is beautiful.

NevaehLleh.

Early August To-Do List

2009-06-21T23:17:00.001+01:00

Hugs. Lots of them.
Snuggles.
Snuggles during The Daily Show.
Sushi date. With plum wine.
An evening (or three) in the hot tub.
Shoots - Stephen, Dave, Matthew.
Playing with the Rolleiflex, and her camera of choice.
A walk through the trees to the river.
Talking about everything and nothing.
Laughing.
Exploring...
Eskimo kisses.
A game or three of pool?
A somewhat organised night out together at Psycho Suzi's so I can see a bunch of other friends.
Just about anything she wants to do.
Things that are ours and ours alone.

Have I missed anything?

*grin*

I miss you, girl. We'll make up for all the lost time. In fact I suppose it'll be almost exactly a year, other than those 90 minutes.

She and me. By Constantine Gedal.

Glitter my world

2009-06-20T22:49:00.000+01:00

Lee.

Derby love

2009-06-19T21:38:00.003+01:00

Training last night was all about stepping and hopping around the track, with the goal of being able to block while stepping into the hit. It's exhausting work constantly picking your skates off the floor and jumping around like that, but it was fabulously fun, and I felt pretty agile. Even landed some pretty successful hits.

On the down side, the stepping/weaving paceline lasted so long that my lower back is killing me. I still need more muscle, I think.

On the up side, my hip is healing. The scrape is disappearing, and the bruised bone only hurts when there's a lot of pressure on it.

Danny and I walked to Dulwich Park today, for his first time skating! He has to test his blood sugar levels before and after doing any exercise, and be sure that it's above a certain number before exerting himself. Pictures and video courtesy of my new phone! (Which is why the video is sideways, as I uploaded it directly from the phone so couldn't rotate first. Sorry! My only other disclaimer is that I skate slightly better indoors where there are no rocks!)

A good art model

2009-06-18T13:30:00.004+01:00

Knows how to pose.

Fuck yeah.

Miya.

This is my favourite of everything I shot in California. It's imperfect (on my end), but I was drawn to it the moment I laid eyes on it. And the more I look, the more I see things like repeating shapes, and lines that please my eye.
There is a photo which is a very close second, again due almost completely to the talent of the model, and I'll post that soon I'm sure.

I met briefly with Christian Hough on Tuesday to discuss a shoot that should happen in mid-August. Excited for that. Also for August, my Scotland and Wales trips originally for this month have been pushed back. I'm most disappointed about Scotland, but hoping it will still work.

Because of this rather crummy week, I have not been sleeping especially well... which caught up with me last night, precisely when I wanted to stay awake to talk to someone special. I fell asleep half sitting up on the bed by the laptop. It's just as well, though. The week trudges onward with few changes.

On the bright side, my google phone rocks. I love it hardcore.
Many are aware that most items are much more affordable in the U.S. than in the U.K. right now. This most definitely does not apply to mobile phones, and especially the tariffs (plans). With a new contract, I got this phone for free. The tariff is only £30/month (about $50) for 800 minutes (I only need about 300, although I'm sure I can find ways to use more), unlimited texts, and unlimited internet. That plan in the U.S. would probably cost $80 or more.

Last night I learned how to give Danny an insulin injection, just in case I should ever need to do it. It was scary to jab him, but it went smoothly and he felt almost nothing.
I am dearly hoping for other aspects of this new lifestyle to become less stressful for him, as soon as possible.

Plan B: ?

2009-06-16T00:18:00.002+01:00

I have a post all ready for tonight, but I'm just not in the mood for that one right now. I'm sick of the past few days, so for tomorrow I'm planning on taking in our film from L.A. to be developed, hopefully getting a sweet new phone, meeting up with a really good photographer to discuss a shoot, and then skating.

Anyway, here's a photo Dave Swanson took.

Before the storm

2009-06-14T18:20:00.001+01:00

I'll explain about the storm later, when I have pictures to go along with the story. It was a great day.

I just couldn't wait any longer to post this.

ravens laughter.

By the way, pay attention to what's happening in Iran right now. Ahmadinejad almost surely stole the election. He also arrested the opposition and cut off communications. The people are rioting. CNN is already under fire for barely mentioning it (Twitter was proving to be far more informative, at least for a while), but the BBC is doing well.

Three of us

2009-06-13T15:32:00.000+01:00

Danny, Miya, and I make a pretty good creative team (if I do say so myself). If nothing else, we had a blast. The day was not long enough to get to some locations we wanted to use, but we were happy (and rather sunburned) with what we found. Much thanks and love to Miya for being so enthusiastic about shooting with us on short notice. She rocks. Erm, no pun intended.

I'm going to skate at training today. I'm a little worried about my bruised hip, although the scrape is healing. Since our Saturday practice venue has the slippery-as-ice floor and I'm breaking in the new skates as well as still getting back into the swing of things after being away, I'll take it easy if I don't want to make my hip worse - even if it will pain me not to scrimmage.

Brooks Ayola:

2009-06-11T23:30:00.000+01:00

Danny shot this at Brooks' studio. Brooks shot me, Brooks shot Danny, Lucinda Wedge shot me, Lucinda shot Danny, Lucinda shot Danny and me together, Danny shot me. Whee! Much of that was not at all the plan for the day. Some people flaked, others were a lovely surprise.

Danny took this of Lucinda shooting me:

And her photo of me, for her "isolation and loneliness" project:

I think I'm telling things out of order already, but you don't mind, do ya?

We have a streaker!!!

2009-06-08T15:48:00.012+01:00

That's what one of our announcers yelled at the bout on Saturday. Indeed, and here he is! HILARITY! Be sure to watch in HD. hahahaha

At the end you'll even catch a glimpse of Danny in my new jammer beanie (black hat with pink star). It was a great double-header too. Our girls were on fire.

The past few weeks have been so busy and full of life's ups and downs that I have not had the time or energy to blog until now. But I'm back, I promise!

Our trip was everything I could have wanted... and so much more.

The wedding/reception was wonderful. I love my family and friends so very much. I think I'm far more homesick now than I was when I moved here.

Danny, I love you. You are my prince charming.

Steve.

As you may have seen on her blog, Brooke and I had about 90 minutes together at O'Hare, and we hugged out all the pain that's plagued us since July. I'm kinda crazy about her, and I think we're both looking to the unknown future with hope, excitement, and new-found respect. That future really starts on July 30, which I hope will seem to come quickly. If the sun falls from the sky that day I arrive, I doubt we'll notice.
A huge thank you to everyone who helped make it possible for us to see each other at the airport. And to those making possible the week in August.

Los Angeles was amazing. I knew I'd enjoy it, but my fabulous friends old and new surpassed my expectations in many ways. I miss California. I didn't see that coming because I really dislike the whole Hollywood vibe, but our friends and the weather are awfully difficult to leave. Big love to Larry, who is a wonderful friend, host, and artist.

I also made a new friend in Lisa. I had been looking forward to meeting her ever since I didn't get the chance when I was in L.A. nearly two years ago, and it was worth the wait. She's a real fireball, and we had a lot of fun.
And now from Danny, "desert hiking" butts, and "mulling over how I'm going to shoot her with the tree" butts.

(That's also my "hopefully skating continues to give me some actual muscle" butt, next to her perfect butt.)

Speaking of skating, I have new skates and wheels!! Danny and I took a quick day trip to San Diego for Sin City Skates, where I got 125s and wide pink G-Rods. Yummy. I love the skates and will love them even more once I'm used to them. The only thing that stinks is the lack of a tongue stay, but the fit is great.

Unfortunately, a combination of breaking in new skates and not having trained for about three weeks caused me to fall directly on my (very pointy) right hip bone on Thursday, so things are very tender there. I hope it heals quickly.

Last but certainly not least, some big news for Danny. Upon suggestion from my dad's wife and a friend in L.A., Danny went to the doctor when we got in from the airport on Tuesday afternoon. He was diagnosed with type 1 (to be confirmed soon) diabetes and told to go straight to the hospital, which we did. He stayed all evening, overnight, and all of Wednesday while they performed tests and started work on determining insulin dosage amounts. There was nowhere for me to sleep near him, so I spent that night at home, but I was with him for about 17 hours total. And that doesn't come close to what I'm willing to do for him.

Of course the dietary restrictions and injections are a very frustrating lifestyle change for him, but simultaneously we're glad to know what his symptoms meant. Now he'll gain back the weight he lost recently, and the muscle pain will cease. It's tough watching him prick his fingers to take blood sugar readings, and do his injections, but I know it will become second nature for him at some point. I just hope the final dosage amounts are chosen soon so he can settle into a rhythm.

I'm nearly over the jetlag. More stories about the trip to come, with photos of course!

Away we go

2009-05-18T08:15:00.000+01:00

Leaving for Heathrow in just over an hour, so must finish packing! First Chicago, then Iowa, then L.A. I will blog when I can, but it will be sparse until the trip is over, which is June 2. Be well, friends! <3

Muse

2009-05-16T16:49:00.001+01:00

Brooke's eyes, through mine.

The word "muse" is seriously overused, in my opinion. It's not just a pretty girl you love to photograph. It's not just someone who inspires you.

I thought I had lost mine, but I'm a lucky bitch.
When I thought I was muse-less, I sought a new one. I have photographed a couple girls who are beautiful and talented models, but you can't search for a muse; it doesn't work.

The worst is over. And for that I'm glad, for her sake and mine.

She's irreplaceable in my life.
Snippets of song lyrics run through my mind, but none of them suffice today. Hell, the English language isn't even good enough.

I miss her, but I'm smiling anyway.

Now my attention must return to planning, packing, and deciding whether I have time to skate today. I really, really should, but I'm sore from posing yesterday and stressed with plenty still to do before we fly out on Monday. No skating for a couple weeks is a sad prospect for me, but I will be cherishing every moment with family and friends.

Up and down

2009-05-14T14:59:00.002+01:00

...and not in the way that I like.

Or do I? Do I thrive on living an emotional rollercoaster? Do I need my heart to race, even if it's with anxiety? Can I find that racing heartbeat, quickened breathing euphoria in a 100% positive way? I've been trying, and I think it's possible.

I shouldn't complain. On Monday I get to travel with Danny. I get to see my parents. I get to see friends, old and new. I get my violin. Stress levels should drop once I step out of the house and head for Heathrow. But until then... planning, planning, planning... packing, planning... thinking, worrying, planning. With a dash of derby, a sprinkle of a photo shoot, and a bit of letting myself relax for the sake of sanity.

The American food we bought at "Little America" (the U.S. Air Force base) and the things I've unpacked from my boxes have brought me some wonderfully ridiculous moments of pleasure.

Decisions need to be made soon, by me and others.
Nervous.
Excited.

Ugh.

Steve Kraitt.

Meh

2009-05-12T12:54:00.000+01:00

Eloquent, I know.

Steve and Suki again.

The loot, the warrant, the crook

2009-05-09T14:12:00.001+01:00

(Just a little Carmen Sandiego flashback for you fellow children of the 80s...)

The police knocked on our door and searched our home without a warrant at 4am (Danny said making them go get one would just end with them coming back with it and trashing the house) because of a missing 14 year old boy delinquent and a "clerical error". Neither of us has ever heard the kid's name.

It was REALLY scary at the time, but all is well now. I stayed in bed because I was kind of frozen in fear and didn't know what to do. Of course I was naked too. They apologised, but they sure made a point to look in every room. I couldn't fall asleep until the sun was up.

More from the shoot with Steve and Suki.

I can't see...

2009-05-07T17:22:00.004+01:00

Where all the times goes! I suppose I may have to scale back to short, photo-oriented posts in order to keep this going, just for a little while. I keep thinking life will stop moving faster than the pace of my blogging, and it really should within a day or two, but there's just so much going on right now with reception and trip planning, not to mention that I'm skating six out of eight days this week (and boy do my feet ache).

So for now I leave you with this photo that put a HUGE smile on my face when it arrived in my e-mail yesterday.

Makeup and hair by Suki Miles, photograph by Steve Kraitt. This is just one look from the shoot we squeezed in before the big derby bout, and I am so incredibly grateful to Steve and Suki for their contributions. I suppose a nude art model can do a bit of beauty and fashion. Some of you have probably seen the other photos from this shoot on MM or elsewhere, but I'm going to save them for later blog posts anyway.

Must go unpack boxes and get ready for training. Gah!

Aaaahhhh!!!

2009-04-30T17:51:00.005+01:00

Apologies for the blog silence, and for the jumbled post today. We have been busy busy busy.

The weekend was full of derby and awesome. My two 140-pound boxes arrived at Mildenhall air force base, so we're going up to visit Phil and get my belongings on Saturday, returning Sunday (which means still intermittent blog posting, unfortunately). I'm so excited to have more of my things! I've been living out of three suitcases since August, not counting the few things I've bought since being here. It will be wonderful to feel more at home with my books, dvd's, more clothing, knick-knacks, etc. I have been glad to live with minimal "things" for a while, though. It's a good reminder that we can live simply. I don't need all that stuff. But I am definitely looking forward to buying some American items on base! Things you just can't find elsewhere in the UK.

Then, my visa was approved! Our passports were returned, and my ID card arrived!!!
Despite having a LOT to do right now with reception planning and other things, Danny and I both feel a weight has lifted, just knowing I can be here for two years. I'm also allowed to work now!

This means I was able to book our flights! Chicago and Iowa, May 18-26. Los Angeles, May 26 - June 1.
Now I can move on to planning other trips like Scotland in June and NYC/Toronto in July. I'm also dreaming about seeing more of Europe, but I need some money first...
Right now I'm just very thankful that I get to travel with my husband, and see family and friends, and do some shooting.

Unfortunately, the idiots put my maiden name on my card and will charge me £39 to change it. Jerks.

On Saturday I had an amazing shoot. Just you wait and see...

I hurried from the shoot to the London Rollergirls championship double header bout. I was selling raffle tickets, and boy did I hustle. Sold so many. The bout itself was an absolute blast, and we had a great time at the pub afterwards as well. We missed the last train home, so the journey by two night buses took about two hours, getting us home slightly after 3am. We (Danny, our 6 lovely German skater guests, and me) used the time to be slightly drunk and sleepy while proclaiming our international derby love to one another. It really was a wonderful thing to come together like that, make new friends, and see roller derby grow throughout Europe.
There may have also been some ridiculous girlie bonding moments involving a realisation that gulping a lot of cider just before leaving the pub isn't always the best idea.

LRG has a new sponsor, Tatty Devine, who provided all the league members with these awesome necklaces. I love it.
Below is just a candid shot of me at the bout, taken by Danny.

The Germans were not only very cool, but so sweet that they left us with piles of chocolate, candy, and wine! I was truly sad to see them leave despite how full our house was for the weekend. So fun!

Once again I'm running out of time to get some more things done and get me and my wheels to training. More soon, hopefully!

Eep

2009-04-24T14:26:00.004+01:00

Soooo much to do!

Terrified about our wedding reception. The British Home Office gave me incorrect information about when I'd have my visa, and of course they won't honour what they told me, because they can do whatever the hell they want. And they've had my passport since February 3. So there's a small chance the reception will have to be rescheduled, although chances are that everything will arrive by about a week before we need to fly to America. But if it doesn't arrive... this will be a horrible, terrible, awful mess, and I'd be in a permanent bad mood about it if not for the amazing weekend of derby which starts today!! Anyway, we're doing what we can to find out how long it might be (though the Home Office are real jerks about it), and I have to work on notifying guests about the possible change in plans. Ugh.

So, tonight I get to meet up with some of the London Rollergirls and the visiting German league at Wagamama for dinner - yummmm. Our league had trouble finding space to host all the Germans, so we're hosting six of them. This is in addition to the four of us that already live in this house! We have the space, but yikes.

Tomorrow I have an exciting photo shoot in the morning. I'm nervous about my size; because of derby, I think I've gained some muscle mass in the tummy area, so I'm feeling a bit "fat", but I'm being careful about what I eat right now. I'm also anxious about being able to sleep tonight (self-defeating, I know). I'm normally very much a night owl (and definitely count myself very lucky that I'm able to indulge that right now), plus we'll have the six girls here. Hopefully I can get some sleep and not look like death from waking up around 7am. Luckily I don't have many bruises - yet.

I'll go directly from that shoot to the double-header championship bout. I'm soooo excited, as the championship bout is bound to be a very close game with some quality skating. And Sunday I have training for three hours (possibly after nursing a hangover), whoop! So no more blogging until early next week - and I still have so much in the backlog to post. Sorry this is all hectic, but I must run now. Must get through the utter crap before I can have fun. Wheeeee!

Something a little silly from Dave Swanson and me; the toes made us snicker. My guess is that I had been up on the balls of my feet and lost my balance as he got the shot.

Getting published!

2009-04-22T15:51:00.007+01:00

...........As a photographer! (Also as a model, as you can see.) The following photo will appear in New Nude Photography, a collection of 100 works. I never expect to receive such attention as a photographer, and I don't submit my work anywhere, so I am incredibly flattered and honoured that I was asked to be part of this book project (especially after reading the publisher's blurb at the above link). It will be a "high quality, limited edition" and will be available by the end of this year.

I'm a little surprised that this particular shot is what they chose. As a model, I don't think I look my best. As a photographer, I see plenty of flaws. But perhaps I can step back and begin to understand what they see in it. In any case, we'll re-scan the film, and I will have Danny help me with adjusting the levels and other little things. He says we can get more detail where it currently looks blown out.

(Truth be told, I was so surprised to be contacted about this that I checked and double-checked the legitimacy and the legal contract, with the help of Stephen Haynes. All systems are go! I must admit I'm so very excited to see my own photo in print like this, though I'm sure I'll be greatly humbled by whatever is around it.)

James and Brooke, to whom go many thanks for humouring me and my beloved Rolleiflex that evening. Not to mention the very good night which followed shortly after the shoot. Badass friends... a bar with a pool table... and a nearly sleepless night before a morning flight...

More of my photography can be seen on ModelMayhem and deviantART. Shameless plug, I guess.

Float

2009-04-17T22:33:00.000+01:00

Well, yesterday started out horribly and just got better and better. Danny was lovely to me, our Spencer Tunick prints arrived in the post, I got an offer to be published, and had so much fun at roller derby training it should have been illegal. More on all that to come in good time.

Today was the stereotypical English day - gray, wet, and chilly. But lately it's been gorgeous more often than not - mostly sunny and comparatively warm, with flowers in bloom absolutely everywhere.

For now, here's the Spencer print, though it's not a great scan. I'm the really pale chick on the left side of the photo with Danny's face in my boobs. hahaha
And in case you missed these posts, I wrote about the shoot with Spencer as well as my appearance with him in the paper the following day.

I have much to write, but I'm having an odd mood day. Soon, soon.

Peace out, dear readers.

It pours

2009-04-15T03:29:00.002+01:00

Steve, whom we are grateful to have shooting our vows and reception in May. He's good at it, his style will be lovely with the vineyard, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Yeah, I can't sleep.

Stay strong

2009-04-12T23:07:00.000+01:00

Someone very special no longer values me or our friendship very much; I thought (with good reason) that bond was unconditional. It hurts like hell... when I let it in. So I'm doing what I must.

And clinging to my blessings.
Danny. Derby. Sunshine, warmth, flowers blooming all over the garden. Pretty girls with shining eyes and musical laughter. Sex. Excess. Chocolate and caramel. Square film. Being naked. Late nights... late mornings. Living in one of the best, most beautiful cities on the planet. Carnivale. Family. The fact that talented people want to take photographs of me. Danny.

D. Brian Nelson.

London life

2009-04-11T15:44:00.002+01:00

I haven't posted enough pics of my life here. So here are a few from Wednesday. I'll write more in my next post, as we're hosting a couple of Charm City (Maryland) rollergirls this weekend. If things go to plan (and with them it might not, lol) they'll get back here at some point and we'll head to practice together.

Our home, complete with sliver of wonderfully blue sky and flowers in the front garden. London isn't always cloudy! (Today, however.......)

The shops across the road from our house.

Piccadilly Circus, one of my favourite places.

"Some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury...
Whoo-oo!
The hooligans are loose, the hooligans are loose. What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight."

~Bill Hicks

Smegging great!

2009-04-10T14:14:00.004+01:00

These are from Danny's camera on Wednesday - if you aren't nerdtastic enough to know, that's Rimmer (Chris Barrie) and Cat (Danny John-Jules), half the cast of Red Dwarf. My inner nerd was giddy. Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) was out of frame just to the left, and I cracked him up when I said "We're from the Daily Mail, we don't like what you said", referring to his comments on Twitter slagging off the filthy rag. (Yeah, I can use British words, bitches. But no, I don't force the accent. Can't even fake it if I try.)
They were all hamming it up, and the whole thing was a blast!
I would not have known about this if not for Twitter. Cool.

And I took these:

Danny with the other journalists. ^^

I just love the Rimmer face. ^^

And the Cat being his fabulous, awesome self. ^^

Recap

2009-04-05T21:13:00.005+01:00

Thursday's dinner near Piccadilly Circus with visiting American friend Stephanie was great for both the good company and the delicious amai udon. I don't get that type of food often enough these days. There's something about fried tofu.

I've been pretty happy this week. Teetered on the edge at times... but righted myself. For now. And I will keep trying. With the help of my lovely husband, of course - for which, and whom, I'm grateful. There are still issues with which I must deal, but life is alright.

We volunteered to host a couple girls from Melbourne. Friday through tomorrow. We all get along well and they're lovely guests (unlike someone else we recently hosted, another testament to the quality of people who either skate or even just hang out with derby girls), and especially one of them is... so adorable it hurts. I wish I could get to know her better. Alas...

Friday night was the LRG Birthday Bash, a FUNdraiser. It was fun indeed. Until the three night buses it took to get home, but still worth it.

I've been working like mad on our wedding/reception website and invitations. A lot of the stress is kind of over, but there's still lots to do. It will be a lovely weekend with family and friends in the U.S.
Frustratingly, our Los Angeles trip following the reception is not set in stone yet, but is still probable.
I'm also planning modeling related trips to Ireland and Scotland (mid to late June), and NYC and Toronto (end of July through early August). Even starting to look at an Ohio trip in early autumn, as I simply can't stand not working with Chip Willis and Dave Levingston. Then dreaming and hoping for future travels to Italy, the Maldives (for a real honeymoon), the Florida Keys (I miss them SO much), and more of Europe - especially eastern.

Derby has been going fantastically. The last few training sessions felt amazing, and why? Because I pushed myself pretty hard. Endurance, jumping (I'm not half bad, and at a decent speed too), lateral skating, and some serious workout stuff.
And the blocking. Holy shit. I'm not great yet, but my confidence is sky-rocketing. It's so much fun to slam into someone, and to do it with good technique and form so that I perform a successful block. My positional blocking was pretty good yesterday as well.
A week ago I got to act as jammer during a drill, which was a blast. Now to keep at it so my wussy strength and endurance can improve along with my agility and everything else. No letting up. Grrr.
I even got a super cute skirt on eBay. Skating clothes are way too much fun.

Off I go to make some dinner and possibly relax a bit until the girls get home from sight seeing. It's a little too late for the local pub, unfortunately, but hopefully we can do something fun together. This smile can stay a while, I think, I hope.

Constantine, the genius. Brooke, the girl I still miss.

Miso hungry

2009-04-02T15:24:00.006+01:00

Tonight before training I'm having dinner at Wagamama with an old Girl Scout friend who's visiting the U.K. It's a little sad how excited I am for Japanese food. Mmm. It's the little things in life, I guess. Hopefully she'll like it, as I'm introducing her to the cuisine.

I really am half nature-loving hippie chick and half big-city girl. I miss America's people-free landscapes (though I'm very excited to pose in some gorgeous locations in Ireland and Scotland, probably in June). I miss camping. But I'm so thankful to live in a place where I can visit many types of museums, see some of the most beautiful architecture in the entire world just minutes from my front door, and find just about any type of food I want - and I have yet to find a foreign cuisine which did not have something about it that I loved. Now if only I could afford to eat sushi, Thai, etc every day. It's a good thing I like Indian curries!

Gemma (photography and makeup).

Gold

2009-04-01T11:59:00.002+01:00

Another from Danny and me.
Body paint by Maya.

I fought to get this pose right. My balance is good, but the human body is not meant to stay in that position.

Now to keep fighting for peace in my life.

Yes, fighting for peace.

I just remembered it's April Fool's Day. Appropriate seeing as how I'm a fool.

But a year ago I pulled off the "honey, I'm pregnant" prank so perfectly. I laughed until I cried.

Let's smile like that again. Please...

Life Rickrolled me

2009-03-30T01:02:00.005+01:00

Danny will never let me down. I love him. I love my new home and our new life together. I hope I show it often enough.

Danny shot this. Carbon handprint. That's coal dust.

On a different note, I wish I knew how the hell to rid myself of those who hurt me when they also happen to be my support system. I feel so lost sometimes. Not homesick too often, just kind of heartsick.

100 unsent e-mail drafts

2009-03-27T21:11:00.008Z

Stressed. Busy (for me). Frustrated. Confused.

I need something but don't know how to ask for it.

Ugh.

Last Thursday's practice included some relatively advanced blocking/whipping combination techniques that even some of the advanced skaters couldn't do well, so it was frustrating for me. Until we learned something called... stomping on the crotch - brought to us from Blood & Thunder camp in CA by Mama Mash Bash. It involves stepping over another skater's leg and stomping on the space between her skates, hip checking her good in the process. I'm tall enough with legs long enough that this could be a very good move for me. I didn't shine at it, but I did get it to happen a few times. Probably my best hip check to date.

The weekend was good. I don't know how I would have managed without the smiles. We hosted a couple Auld Reekie Rollergirls (from Edinburgh, Scotland) who came to see the Glasgow Rollergirls bout against the London Rockin Rollers (the other, younger London league). They turned out to be even more fun than I expected. Maul E. Cater is from Toronto, and not only did we have the usual North American stuff in common, but we share a lot of common loves - for example, the show Carnivale (which I'm starting to watch through again... it's really something special).

The bout itself was interesting and fun, never a dull moment for the LRR's first public bout. There was a very scary fall; the girl was lying there twitching, which had some of us nearly in tears and others screaming at the lazy medics..... amazingly, she was fine. Afterwards a bunch of us went to Nando's for food and then went out for a while. The following day the ARRG girls and I sat on the grass in the sun on the south bank drinking coffee and chatting before heading to practice.

Practice brought some improvement to my positional blocking and hockey stops. I also got to scorekeep for the scrimmage. What a wonderful perspective to see the game, right by the refs. I have so much respect for their attentive, hard work!

Sad to see Maul E. and Candy Savage leave. Sigh. And the sweeties gave me an ARRG shirt. But, I will see them again.

The past few days appeared to be out to get me. Some reasons aren't for a public blog. But last night I was leaving only a few minutes late for training, realised I didn't have any cash to buy a travel card, walked to the cash point, walked to the train station to buy a ticket, walked to the bus stop because it would come sooner than the next train. Missed about half an hour of practice, but it went uphill once I stopped sulking and let myself enjoy it. Did a rotating diamond formation drill, falling in a pack, pack hot laps, communication drills, etc. I didn't feel like the weak link for once... probably because there were no blocking drills.

Today I woke up and did a shoot with Danny that I didn't know about until I was going to sleep last night. Maya painted jellyfish on the side of my torso, which was shot under a blacklight. Then she painted me all silver. I generally think the silver/gold model thing is a little cliche, but I think we got a winning pose. It sure was difficult enough to hold without falling over! I have lots of decisions as to which photos I want to use.

I made another American breakfast type dinner. Pancakes with syrup, bacon, and eggs. It's a luxury for me here.

I've been busy for once, with social stuff and planning trips and things. But I won't neglect my blog for a week again, hopefully. I just need to stay afloat.

My newest of Vasilisa. I accidentally underexposed (dumb since the Rollei was on a tripod) and rescued it as much as I could because I dig the pose.

Mish-mash

2009-03-19T15:41:00.002Z

Stephen.

Yesterday was lovely and sunny again. Danny taught me a few things about gardening, and I helped plant carrots, poppies, and crocosmia.

And then! I made American breakfast (for dinner). Pancakes with sliced bananas and maple syrup, American style bacon(!!!), and fried eggs. Serious omnomnom-age. But I'm gonna have to do the pancakes from scratch next time. British pancakes are too thin. Crepes are great, but I want pancakes dammit.

I'm still learning to live without some things I thought I needed. It still fucking hurts when it creeps back into my thoughts.

I'm the common denominator in these situations, I guess.

(I so love despair.com)

Humbled

2009-03-18T13:39:00.000Z

But also a little proud; I won't lie. Several days ago I realised that I had completely missed two features that were written about me - including one on my photography - on Univers d'Artistes, the official and illustrious blog of the magazine Carrie Leigh's NUDE. I then realised that I had almost forgot about their first feature on me, way back in 2007... and apparently I was considered to be "renowned" back then!

Here is my very recent feature which alerts European photographers to the fact that I'm here now.
A brief feature I had missed.
I never thought my photography would get a mention, but apparently it did!
And my first feature.

Much gratitude to Chris St. James for noticing little old me. He has a huge heart.
I hope to keep putting creations of one form or another into the world, things that might change a mood, open a mind, or get the wheels turning, if only a little.

I'm so glad I went to Hyde Park for a skate last night. Quite a few people showed up, so it was fun, and I really improved my Gotham glides, not to mention made more lateral skating progress. Skating by the water at sunset in the middle of London... beautiful. I hope never to stop appreciating that I live in such a place. Four of us went to a pub after skating to drink and discuss derby rules - which did happen intermittently between all the talking and laughing.

My mind is a bit jumbled lately. I think it's showing in my ramblings here. Planning for our "Big Fat American Wedding Reception" and L.A. visit in May is taking some effort, not to mention starting to plan a trip to NYC and Toronto. Then there's skating (of course) and the odd photo shoot, daily life duties, etc.

And then there's the jumble in my heart. Love, hope, peace, confusion, loneliness, self-punishment.

There are two big question marks that just won't leave me be.

This piece, "Captain's Widow" (another by Dave from our first shoot together), has been more successful in galleries than I would have expected - I'm very flattered by what some have said about it. I like the pose, but I'd tweak it if I did it again.

Yikes

2009-03-17T12:45:00.010Z

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. Last month it was almost daily. Guess I've been.. distracted.

A "Gollum" pose from my first shoot with David Swanson.

Yesterday's weather was the opposite of what Dave and I had that day on the north shore.
Sunny, warm, with flowers in bloom. It was a good day. Good things happened.

Most studio figure work bores me now. I want to be challenged. I became known partly because of my crazy posing abilities. It's no longer about getting as contorted as possible (usually). I need to keep pushing myself to evolve, emote, and learn. Creativity, obsession, passion...

I've been so pleasantly surprised with the successes I've encountered with modeling in the past, but I feel I've hit a plateau or something. Why? Perhaps life has taken over. But it's time to get focused again...

I love what I do.

So. Much.

I'm not shooting enough... or more accurately I'm not creating what I know I can. Maybe it's just more difficult to find people in the UK while I'm still new here, although this will be much easier in a month or two once I'm actually allowed to work. I've been doing some networking via avenues other than ModelMayhem, and it seems to be going well so far... more news on that as things actually happen (hopefully).

Thursday's derby training got me started on blocking (hits). I discovered that my bony shoulders are great for jabbing people. I could actually bruise with that thing on top of my shoulder. I'm also working on hip checks. It's hard to keep balance when moving my centre of gravity so far sideways instead of keeping it over my skates, but with time I'll learn how my body works for this stuff.
Saturday's practice was at a new venue, and the floor was slippery, like ice. Even with my sticky wheels. I'll get used to it. But the venue is huge and posh, so it was a good session with some fun drills. Still improving! Still miles to go, but loving every moment when something new just clicks.
Afterwards we hit up a pub, and good times were had.

I know my readers don't care about roller derby stuff, but you're really missing out.

I can't decide if I'm going to spend the money on transportation to go skate in Hyde Park with some of the other newbies tonight. I feel bloated again, and it would be fun... but we spent waaaay too much on awesome food at Sainsbury's last night. (I got to drive! A car! A niiice car.)

Find you

2009-03-14T01:35:00.001Z

xkcd usually has me in gigglefits.
But it can also bring tears to my eyes... like this one did.

Sweetest downfall

2009-03-10T01:15:00.001Z

Brooke set up this shot of us with my Rollei.

I miss her.

There are no words.

It's full of stars

2009-03-08T16:13:00.005Z

Thursday's derby training was frustrating for me. I skated well on my own and am still improving my crossover technique, but I was crap at all the drills, even the ones I was excited to do because I thought they'd be good practice for my current goals. Oh well, I guess these days just happen sometimes.

As several of us were on the tube after practice, a group of people celebrating someone's birthday entered our carriage. Most of the guys were dressed like chicks, one of them in a bright red wig, makeup, and 6" heels. They were laughing, pole dancing, etc, and the rest of us were cracking up as well. So they came over and we had a fun chat. I teased the guy in the red wig for being so skilled at walking in his shoes, but he swore it was his first time.

Random hilarity is one reason I love living in a big city.

Yesterday we went uptown hoping to get 3 rolls of film developed (2 being my latest with Vasilisa), forgetting that the silly place isn't open on Saturdays. But the day was quite successful anyway. Danny, in his infinite wonderfulness, bought me this book (we're developing quite the Taschen collection):

We also went to American Apparel where I got a shirt, skirt, and pair of socks for skating; Cybercandy which did have Muddy Bears this time, and Snow & Rock where I got some pretty sweet crashpads (shorts with pads over the tailbone and other easily bruised areas).

On our way home we stopped in to Speedy Noodle in Brixton where I had some delicious Malaysian green curry. It had been too long since those flavours had danced around my mouth.

"New Chakra"
by Chris Grey.

Passion fruit

2009-03-04T02:15:00.004Z

Willie Nash. Makeup and hair by Crystabel Riley.

That fire was hotter than you'd think from its distance to me. And we all ended up with black nostrils. Fun stuff. Always.

Today was cold and wet. I hope spring returns very, very soon.

I was productive. Did laundry, picked up antibiotics for my sinus infection, went to the bank, talked with my mom for an hour, took care of a bunch of little bits and bots, and then went to training.

I enjoyed skating a great deal tonight, and I felt very challenged - which is good, it's pushing me to learn a lot as quickly as possible. We started with off-skates positional blocking, then got back on wheels and worked on back leg propulsion and holding the inside line against a jammer.

Next was breaking the whole group into two big packs. We were instructed to skate 20 laps as a pack, staying very low and wide in stance, moving around inside the pack, keeping close together. I think most of the girls had burning thighs by the end of that one; I sure did. Skating that close with that many people was a little nerve-wracking at first, but it did wonders for my confidence.

We moved on to a drill called Hammer and Nail, which consists of two blockers forming a wall on the inside line, a jammer coming up behind the inside blocker, and the outside blocker dropping back to hit the jammer. I even "jammed" for my first time ever.

Practice finished with about half an hour of offense/defense using only positional blocking and small hits; this is kind of like a toned-down scrimmage, and tonight was the first time I've done it. It's more advanced than I'm quite ready for, but I did what I could which was basically hold the inside line, pay attention to what others were doing, and occasionally try to positional-block a member of the opposite team. In any case, it was great to throw myself into it and try to do my best. I'm learning so much, even if I do feel like one of the weakest links right now! For a newbie I'm doing pretty damn well... I think/hope.

Anyway, our training schedule is being changed now, as they've landed a sweet venue in Brixton, so in the future I'll be skating on Thursdays and Saturdays. I guess I'll try to get to the park on Sundays or early in the week, because I don't want to skate just twice a week.

My mind is just too tired to get into anything else tonight. But there's more. Isn't there always?

Laser beam

2009-03-01T23:33:00.001Z

Steve.

This photo reminds me of one of the best scenes from the film Resident Evil. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I mean. And it is badass.

Relax

2009-02-28T22:30:00.003Z

Life can be messy.

But good... simultaneously.

I had a decent skate in the park today.

My face and head still hurt. And teeth.

David Swanson shot this photo of me while I was taking a bath one evening during our Boundary Waters trip.

Go

2009-02-27T17:15:00.005Z

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love

Got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evenings looking at stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
What has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
Can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Heaven's invention, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I'll never know
What you've shown to other eyes

Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell off the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But oh Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic powers of love

Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying

Go or go ahead
And surprise me
Go or go ahead
And just try me

Rufus Wainwright.

<3

Chris Grey.

[Edit: Small bit about karma deleted out of respect.] Turns out I don't wish such suffering on anyone, even in this case which is more extreme than most people know. Perhaps that's because I still care, as lame as that may be. I just couldn't bring myself to do "an eye for an eye". I'm too much of a fucking softie. Or perhaps I'm just a pushover. I don't know. It's been a while since I reached out a bit and was ignored. I don't think of it often, but when I do, I still feel something.

On the other hand, I know some people who will lead wonderful lives. Because of what they have put out into the world. Because of their selflessness. I aspire to learn from them always.

I went to the doctor yesterday and got recommended a nasal spray for my sinusitis (at least I'm still kind of "hoping" that's what it is). I was still miserable for most of the day. But Danny and I went to Covent Garden to do a spot of shopping, mostly just necessities. But I had learned that the Cybercandy shop carries Muddy Bears (way more delicious than they sound, and a source of intense nostalgia for me), so I just had to get some. Unfortunately they were out, so I consoled myself with a bag of Jelly Bellies.

We then met up with a photographer named Stu at Cafe Nero, where there was good chai, good food, and even better conversation. He's a great guy.

I then headed for training, which started on a bad note for me. We did some endurance sprinting early in the practice, and I felt like one of the slower skaters in my group. But after practicing an advanced stop (the power slide), something clicked. The pain left my face. On my own, I did some lateral skating, which is improving - this is hugely important to me. We did some jumping over plastic cones while skating, and I did way better than I expected; in fact I felt quite stable, even if I did flail my arms a bit to keep balanced. We did some side-stepping across the track; this hurts my ankles when we do it stationary, but in motion it's starting to come to me.

Lastly, we returned to sprinting and endurance, but with several additions. We sprinted until the whistle, then did a baseball slide fall, and waited for the next whistle to get up and skate in the opposite direction. While down, we often had to get in plank position, do crunches, etc. My sprinting almost kicked lots of ass this time, and I may be able to run on my toe stops effectively soon (a great way to start with speed).

The tube ride home was fun as well, chatting and laughing with the girls.

My outdoor wheels arrived a couple days ago, so I'm really hoping to get back to the park sometime this weekend. Obsessed I am.

Quiet

2009-02-25T03:11:00.000Z

Because I've done little but skate and sit in bed.

On Saturday I met Auntie Terror in the park, and we skated for 3 solid hours. It was wonderful. The weather was a sudden burst of spring. I got a ton of exercise, and worked on a few derby skills. I was able to chat with Terror, a cool girl who's also an American transplant for the sake of marriage. My soft outdoor wheels hadn't arrived yet (I got them today), so I was using crappy hard ones which caused my feet to vibrate on the path. A fellow newbie, Ka-Pow!, joined us eventually. Apparently I got hit on - Terror said a guy skated past me and said "oh, wow!" 3 times; I barely noticed until he stopped to ask what bearings were in my wheels. Ha.. I guess I'm oblivious at times.

Ever since then, I've been essentially bedridden with horrible sinus pain. At least that's what I think it is. It's been moving around, affecting my head, cheeks, even jaw and teeth. Today I tried to nap before practice and ended up shedding a few tears of frustration at not being able to doze off because of the throbbing. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm never such an invalid; I usually only get sick once a year, in November. So this may be due to a different climate or something.

Despite that, I attended training tonight because I really wanted to do positional blocking drills. Positional blocking is the act of keeping a jammer from getting around you without actually hitting her. My reflexes weren't up to speed because of the pain I'm in tonight, and my lateral skating still needs work, but I'm always improving and and wasn't a complete failure considering it was my first time doing these drills. It was frustrating not to be able to do my best, but hopefully I'll be back into the swing of things soon. I crave more, more more.

I know you're all sooooo interested in the dirty details of derby.

Right.

Well here are some tits.

This was after a full day of shooting with Steve and Sarah. We had ordered pizza when it started raining, which Steve can't resist, so we ran out for a chilly quickie.

Beaver Power

2009-02-21T02:18:00.001Z

With Simon the pussycat blocking my beaver from view.

ravens laughter.

Letting go

2009-02-18T18:48:00.004Z

Of people, love, and misguided hopes.

Of fears, insecurities, and pain.

Of pride.

Of expectations. For myself... and others.

I'm a pack rat, both physically and emotionally.
Physically, I've improved since coming to London because I've been living off 3 suitcases of belongings plus what I've acquired since being here.
Emotionally, I'm making progress as well, but it's slower going.

Derby helps. I'm making friends, getting exercise, and doing something I truly love.
Practice last night was insane. Here are some excerpts from the training plan for the night, and remember this was my first practice skating with the main group and doing all endurance, pack, and full contact drills.

Stride. Skaters get in a loose pace-line covering the whole track and cover a whole lap in 8 strides, following a diamond shape. Objectives: form.
Only the top skaters were truly able to do this, but for being new I saw potential in what I was able to do. It's about pushing and gliding, and I had the basic idea.

whip and push. Get in pairs. For two minutes one skater whips then pushes her partner (have to chase to get back up to them). 30 sec break. Swap over. Objectives: Endurance, assisting.
I pretty much have pushes down pat, both giving and receiving. I can receive a whip pretty easily as well. I can give a whip, but I can't quite make my body shift its weight correctly to give the receiving skater the speed she needs. Something to practice.

Lateral jumping without skating forwards. Then with skating. Objective: endurance, agility.
It was tough, but I managed a little better than I expected.

Walling up. Sprint round track, when whistle blows, stop, change direction, immediately find partner and make wall with them. Repeat with new partner each time.
I liked this and fared alright.

Sprint, baseball slides, change direction. Objectives: falling, endurance.
Tiring again, but great practice and I did decently.

pack drill: small packs throwing a wheel between them. Skater must make eye contact with her target. A skater who drops the wheel because she wasn't looking has to sprint two laps of the track. Refs to call arm checks and pull skaters out for laps (as if for a major penalty) (Training objective: pack awareness, non-verbal communication)... same in opposite direction.
I managed pretty well at this, and we had some good laughs as well.

blocking drill: pickup small pack queen of the track. Refs ref with special attention to elbows. ...I'll go and buy some paper plates at lunchtime to have skaters hold them under their arms.
Although I didn't drop a plate, this didn't go terribly well for me. In my group, I was the first down. The second time we skated, I was still close to being the first down, but I got in a few small hits and withstood a few aimed at me before I took a massive and jarring one that put me on my knees. On the bright side, I got up from it quickly... I think.

The hour of endurance drills (some of which I didn't include here) nearly killed me at first. I'm no athlete, really just a music nerd who fell in love with derby. I started off feeling mildly humiliated, and my legs were shaking after a little while. But I pulled myself together and started feeling more like part of the group. It felt good to push myself.

I did relatively well in the pack and skill drills. A lot of improvement needs to happen. I need to start practicing at the park very soon (which reminds me, I'm off to buy some outdoor wheels on eBay - damn me for having such expensive passions). But I see potential. Challenges are a little daunting, but good; they bring that improvement.

All in all it was great fun.
I'm surprisingly not sore today. My knees still ache a little, but my muscles are fine after being pushed to their limits.

David Swanson.

Bambi on stilts

2009-02-15T14:39:00.006Z

I got amber level yesterday!!! It was my goal, and this means I can do everything but scrimmage at practice. I can skate with the pack, do full contact drills, etc. So things will be tough for a while but loads of fun, and the challenges will get me back to improving more quickly. We also did some green level assessments (what you need to pass in order to scrimmage and be eligible for the draft), so I'm looking forward to seeing how I did on some of those. I really enjoyed being able to avoid people falling in front of me by cutting across the track, and am looking forward to doing lots more of that.

Danny's cameras and lenses aren't meant for sports photography, but here are the best pics he got of me yesterday.

Here I was being assessed on looking back over my shoulders while skating. I rocked it.
However, I'm frustrated at how knock-kneed I look in this and some other pictures. Not sure how to fix that. It could just look that way because of my damn skinny legs and big pads, but still... blargh.

Here he almost caught me doing a crossover.
(Must remember to keep my elbows in closer to my body.)

After assessments we had a great time at the pub with people, after which I was exhausted, so we got kebabs and went home. Now I've succumbed fully to this nasty cold and am resting in bed.

Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-14T13:27:00.000Z

Yesterday was kickass.
The amazingly talented, adorable, and very sweet Cassie came for a visit. She did some wonderful hair and makeup for me, and Danny outdid himself with his lighting and photography. I am so thrilled with what we got. This is straight out of the camera except for resizing.

More to come, and it's exciting stuff. Totally different from this as well.

By the time we finished, we were all exhausted and famished, so we headed to Café Rouge for a late dinner. I love that place, even if my French is terrible and I can only understand half the menu, much less order from it. The waitress couldn't even understand me when I asked for water in my dumb American accent.

For hors d'oeuvres we had Champignons Gratinés à La Raclette (Baked flat mushrooms filled with garlic creamed spinach finished with melted Raclette cheese). Fantastic.
I can't find my main dish on the website, but it was a nice roast chicken dish with a bleu cheese and cream sauce, served with potatoes and French beans.
My dessert was Crêpe au Chocolat et Banane (Banana filled Brittany pancake with a warm chocolate sauce and vanilla ice cream). To. Die. For.

For being a model, I like food way too much.

Now I'm still feeling sick but am excited and hopeful (and mildly nervous) for my skating assessment today. Have I mentioned I love skating? Depending on how I feel, we may then go on a "dress as a famous couple" night out with the rollergirls, even though we're still not sure who to be. Our main ideas so far are The Bride and Bill (Kill Bill), and Sean and Liz (Sean of the Dead).

Happy V-Day to all, and especially to Danny. I love you. May 23 is going to be lovely.

Don't get sick

2009-02-13T13:01:00.001Z

Don't get sick.
Don't get sick.

Is what I keep telling myself. I feel like poo and it's the day before my first full skating assessment. If I can make the level I want, I'll be able to do pretty much everything at practice but scrimmaging; this means I'll be doing pack skating, contact drills, and much more. I'm actually pretty confident that I can do it, as I've been quite excited about my rate of improvement. Last night (practice was NOT long enough!) I was kicking ass at everything but lateral skating, but lateral skating isn't on my assessment yet. However, I seriously want to master it. Will keep trying. I also need to focus on fitness, in a major way. I'm not an athlete, and I need to get some strength. I guess that's the less fun but necessary part of my new obsession.

Something different from Danny and me... and Vasilisa's coat (she also did my makeup). I don't think it's my best work, but I do like something about it, and I think Danny did a good job getting a pseudo Terry Richardson feel.

Sleepy again

2009-02-12T01:30:00.000Z

Had a fun shoot today. Willie Nash's nude work has a very "classical" feel, yet it's unique and creative with a modern twist. Our work is planned to be a diptych. I should have the finished product to post next week, so I won't ruin it beforehand... but the first shot involves fruit and real fire, and the second shot involves smashing said fruit. It was an enjoyable afternoon, and I'm looking forward to the result. I love the weird shit I get to do.

For now, goodnight dear friends.

D. Brian Nelson.

<3 wheels

2009-02-11T02:17:00.000Z

I'm tired.
Practice was great tonight. Kitty DeCapitate is a great teacher, and I felt more challenged again as we did whips, pushes, lateral skating, blocks, and other pack skating techniques. Loads of fun. And I'm getting excited about how comfortable I am with crossovers, derby stops, T-stops, and more.
My knees still hurt. Tonight I tried wearing gaskets under my knee pads, and it didn't seem to make a difference; I don't think falls are the problem. I hope nothing is wrong with me but still think it's just my wussy body getting accustomed to all the bent-knee athletic stuff.

Marko Cecic-Karuzic.

Hot mess

2009-02-10T00:41:00.002Z

We'll start from the top and work our way down to the bottom.

A few days ago, I woke up with shooting pain in my trapezius muscle (at least I think that's the one; it's kind of through my lower neck, and near my left shoulder blade). I've had spasms with this muscle before. I have no idea what causes it, but it seems that I just sleep on it funny and wake up with pain so bad I can't turn my head a certain way or lift my arm. This is very different to the nearly constant ache in my lower back. I'm quite sure it's unrelated to roller skating. Normally when I wake up with this pain, it disappears in a day or two. Only once or twice before has it been this bad. Today I can move my head and arm, but there's still quite a bit of pain. I just want it to go away before practice tomorrow night.

I feel fatter. I don't know why; my eating habits have been pretty good for the past few weeks, and with derby practice, obviously I'm getting a lot more exercise than I've had in years (and until the past few days I've felt quite thin). All the leftover curry was relatively healthy, but perhaps simply eating the same things repeatedly for about a week caused a change in my body. I feel like a slob even though I haven't been eating like one, and I have a photo shoot on Wednesday. Frustrating, but I'm being even more careful until then.

My knees ache, especially when I go down stairs. My knee pads seem to give good protection when I practice falls. I have gaskets, but I'm not sure they'll fit under the pads. I used to twist my knees when I got up from falls; it was fast (which is important, as you get a penalty if you don't get up within 3 seconds) but not good, so I quit that a week or 2 ago. My assumption is that my body just isn't used to all the strain and impact yet.

Alright, that's enough emo for one day.

"Emily Curled Up" by Todd Riddle, 60 x 40 inches, oil on canvas.

Rick Steam Rolled!

2009-02-08T22:06:00.003Z

It was a hell of a bout last night! The penalty box was packed for much of the evening, but the skating and strategy were still impressive to watch. The Steam Rollers caught an early lead, and eventually the Ultraviolent Femmes clawed their way back into the lead. They were tied during the 3rd (final) period, and the lead changed hands a couple of times, so there was much excitement. Final score 84-64.

Ninjette of the Ultraviolent Femmes as lead jammer, a common occurrence! She played a pretty big part in getting me to join the league.

Kamikaze Kitten jamming, with Kitty DeCapitate reffing in the background.

Missyle Elliot, and El Visious of the Steam Rollers doing some blocking. All photos shot by Danny! I'm getting on his case to come photograph (and possibly video) me at practice very soon.

We went to the pub with everyone after the bout and had a grand time.

I've officially joined the London Rollergirls league now. If I keep improving at my current rate, I may be lucky enough to join one of the teams in a couple months. But let's not get the cart ahead of the horse. Practice, practice, practice!

Faster, faster, kill kill kill!

2009-02-07T14:45:00.002Z

Going to the Clockwork Carnage bout tonight! It's going to be even more fun now that I know most of the girls.

Skate name finalists: Erin No Bragh (number 00 or 34C), Polly Armorous, Violin Conduct, and Beaver Vendetta (number 5, 5/11, 5th of 11, something along those lines). I'm so awful at decisions. Erin No Bragh has been the winner in my deviantART polls, which get quite a few votes. I was pretty enamoured with Martha Dent, but I realised that a girl in the league already has #42.

Diptych by the fabulous, sweet, adorable, talented, gorgeous Sita Mae.

Welcome to mah nekkid world

2009-02-06T11:36:00.009Z

Hello to everyone coming here from indienudes.com! I see most of you don't stay long, so I apologise for the lack of teh pr0nz. But here's some POV double corn oral for you:

This was shot purely as an inside joke; the back story is a bit long, but suffice to say that Danny, Vasilisa, and I laughed a lot that day.

And smiled.

Last night at derby practice, I realised that I'm really not feeling as challenged as I was a month ago or even a couple weeks ago. Of course I can still improve my stops, falls, etc. But I can do crossovers almost without thinking, and I'm itching to skate with the pack to improve my strength, speed, and group skating techniques. I may have to wait until the 14th to be assessed, but I'll do it before then if I can.

On the tube after practice I got to chatting with another newbie, and it turns out that she's a freelance music producer. I told her about the session work I've done in the past on violin and how I love doing it, and asked her to let me know if she ever needs strings. She also told me that the musician's union here is VERY strong. If I could afford to get into that, I could end up playing for the London shows. It's regular work and quite good money (sometimes even better than the people on stage).
This is in addition to the cool girl who's from Minnesota and practices American law. I'm working on that angle for a paralegal job.

When I got home, I brainstormed for skate names. I've been planning on using Janet Terror, but I'm not sure it's right. Now I'm considering Martha Dent (my number would be, what else, 42), Erin No Bragh (number either 34C or 00), Michelle Ma Hell, Violin Conduct, Polly Armorous, and Jen Italia.
Also love Beaver Vendetta (number 5) and Sue Nommy but those might get rejected for similarity to already-registered names.

Preferences? Ideas?

Love each day

2009-02-05T13:56:00.002Z

Engaged on 1/1 (well, barely, as it was about 10 seconds after midnight; 2008). Married on 2/2 (2009). What should we do for 3/3?

Anyone who knows me well or just reads this blog frequently knows that I have some certain "issues". This marriage is both a beginning and an end. An end to a time in my life filled with mistakes, turmoil... and joy. There are people that I love dearly and miss so much I still cry sometimes. I'm not quite sure how to handle this, but I'm trying to roll with it.

My blog is getting insane numbers of hits ever since yesterday morning. Yesterday's total was about 7,000 unique visitors, which is 100 times the norm. I'm not seeing any referral links; I figure it must be a bot or something, but I don't understand the point of it all. Can anyone explain this to me?

David Swanson.

Monday Monday

2009-02-04T01:40:00.003Z

So good to me,
Monday Monday, it was all I hoped it would be

Z kindly informed me that Gatochy's Blog has given me an "I Understand and I Wish to Continue" award. Thanks, Z and Mariana!!

Of course that is not the biggest news from Monday. Here's a teaser, as the photos have not been colour corrected etc yet.

Five inches of snow is a great ice bucket.

Last but certainly not least, February 4 is a day I always remember someone very special who passed away. She and those who knew her better than I... they are forever in my heart.

Ready to leap

2009-02-02T02:46:00.001Z

Photograph by Danny.

(Can you tell I love squares?)

Life

2009-02-01T01:14:00.002Z

It truly is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Story of my life.

I'll enjoy it.

The amazing Vasilisa, again. Must get her naked in front of my lens again.

Hit by a bus

2009-01-30T23:38:00.002Z

That's how my head feels right now. I can't get sick, I can't.

Derby always makes me smile.
My crossovers are constantly improving, and I never want to stop doing them. They're starting to feel natural, and I can push with the left/under foot, which is finally giving me some speed. We also started working on whips, weaving drills, and light contact drills. My muscles don't get terribly sore anymore, but my joints and tendons ache sometimes; hopefully my weakling body will catch up to my enthusiasm soon as I keep getting such good full-body exercise at least twice a week.

It's been a busy week with shoots, shopping, and other things. Lots to do now... thinking and planning, stressing and smiling, trying and hoping.

My photo of Bink.
I did some bad dodging on this a few months ago before I learned to use levels. Oh well.

Her

2009-01-28T02:46:00.002Z

Vasilisa.

Yes, I shot this.

Behind the scenes

2009-01-26T16:18:00.001Z

I kinda dig this photo I took yesterday.

Roberto doin' his thang for the British Hair Awards. The house was full of models, hair/makeup people, hairspray, and smoke.

I got a nice haircut today. I'm growing out my fringe/bangs and considering the possibility of going copper!

A nice day

2009-01-25T04:17:00.003Z

A pretty redhead...

Vasilisa and me in a candid shot by Danny; there was much smiling and laughter today. That can never be bad.

I shot her first using natural light (and the Rollei of course), and she inspired me more than I've felt in quite some time. A beautiful girl who knows how to pose and can really turn it on with her eyes... hell, I was lucky I was able to think clearly enough to attempt good compositions.
She did some solo stuff with Danny, and together we did some fun Jurgen Teller inspired sets, and various other things.
Here's hoping for a return visit soon...

A quick shoot with Roberto (fotorat) seemingly channelling David LaChappelle ended my day perfectly...

Pyramid

2009-01-22T14:01:00.001Z

I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the figures I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

I jumped into the river
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
And all the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

~Radiohead

Gary.

Oh happy day

2009-01-20T12:14:00.003Z

"...AAAH-HA HA HA HA! He's dead! It's dead! The Republican beast is fuckin' dead! [Twelve] years of that rampaging Republican fuckin' elephant-beast finally brought to its knees. Yes! You're dead, you fucker! You fuck! You fuck, you're dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! We hate you! Hate you! Now do you know it? Now do you feel it? Feel the fuckin' hate. Feel it. Call off your dogs. Call your little Vietnamese pot-bellied Rush Limbaugh back to your fold, you demon fuck! Bring Pat Buchanan back! Call him back, you lost!

Finally...the Republican beast-elephant brought to its fuckin' knees. 'Cause I feel like me and my friends and all the artists in the fuckin' country were like little pygmy tribes shootin' darts at that elephant for twelve years, and finally (elephant trumpeting, then crashing noise). Do our little pygmy dance: (singing) Na na na na na na na! Na na na na na na na! Na na na! Yes!"

~Bill Hicks

I can barely believe that the Bush administration is done. This day has finally arrived. I will be watching the inauguration today between running an errand and skating tonight.

This is a copy of a hand made platinum print. Ian Leake took the photograph on an 8x10 camera which was suspended directly over me.

Woman...

2009-01-18T23:46:00.002Z

Woe-man...
Whooaaaaaa-man.

She was a thief
You've got to believe
She stole my heart and my cat.

Betty
Judy
Josie and those hot Pussycats...
They make me horny
Saturday morny
Girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins...

I want to to be Betty's Barney.

Hey Jane...
Get me off this crazy thing... called love.

(~Mike Meyers in So I Married an Axe Murderer. But I shouldn't have to tell you that.)

Ian Leake.

Sporty

2009-01-17T17:09:00.000Z

Football can be ridiculous here. They can't show full live games sometimes (in order to keep people buying tickets rather than just staying home and watching on telly). So they show sportscasters on camera as they watch the match and comment on it. Silliness. Especially when they get excited and scream "GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!"

Yesterday was some retail therapy: knee and elbow pads, a Wheels & Doll Baby top in black and pink (which happen to be the London Rollergirls colours), and 2" fluorescent pink camouflage gaffer tape to use as toe guards. All online, mostly eBay. I love me a good deal.

Lee.

Roller disco

2009-01-16T12:09:00.001Z

I met Vasilisa at Renaissance Rooms Vauxhall roller disco last night. She's a lovely girl, and we had fun skating and chatting a little, though the funky fun music was quite loud. The disco has two rooms, both of which are smaller than the spaces where the rollergirls practice, so it was hard to get enough speed to practice my crossovers. But it was a blast to watch the regulars dancing on their skates in their crazy outfits. I think I'll go back sometime, as it's not too expensive when I bring my own gear.
I hope to see Vasilisa again sometime as well.

Oh and Danny bought us Pass the Pigs. Woohoo!

Things to do, places to go.

Athen Grey. My makeup by Feme Turner; other model Anna (no link available); Anna's makeup by Kimberly Anderson.

Practice, passion

2009-01-14T23:09:00.000Z

Last night was GREAT. I'm sore today, especially in my thighs, but not as sore as I was on Sunday. I practiced my crossovers more, and they still need plenty of work, but they're there, and they're coming. I also did pretty well on transitions, and my T-stop improved by miles when we were given a good tip on how to do it. I had my new wheels and bearings on my skates, which probably helped some.

I got home late (practice ended at 10 and then had to get a train home) and had to get up early this morning, so I'm tired.

And stressed...

Some things are bright.

Others are scary.

Von McKnelly.

Basic skills session

2009-01-12T02:33:00.004Z

Was awesome. I'm SO hooked.
We learned basic stance, falls (one-knee, double-knee, 4-point, baseball slide), stops (T-stop, plow, derby stop), stride, and more. One of my most exciting moments was when I discovered I'm able to do crossovers around the turns, which apparently is pretty good for my first time out.

I bought better wheels and bearings from Dawn for a great deal, and all I need now are good knee and elbow pads. Oh and toe guards, but duct tape will suffice.

...and a job so I can afford to join the league and pay dues in a month or so.

Lots of girls went to the pub afterwards, and we had a good time getting to know some of them. Even met a girl from Minnesota (she lived 10 blocks away from where I used to live in Uptown)... who's practicing American law here. I'm gonna angle for a paralegal spot.

My first "real" practice is Tuesday!
I may skate outside tomorrow... if it's not freezing ass cold, and if my muscles feel somewhat healed (I'm sore all over, but it feels wonderful). However, there are some other things that need doing that are far more important.

James.

I dislike my nose. You can probably see why here, but I like this photo for other reasons.

Perhaps I can break my nose during a bout and end up looking better...

Mmm film

2009-01-10T01:30:00.001Z

Tonight I walked to Tulse Hill, got on a train to London Bridge, hopped on the tube to Canary Wharf, and found my way on the DLR one stop to a photo shoot with Ian Leake. (It sounds like a long journey but really took under an hour.) I have been impressed with his work ever since he first contacted me, and the shoot did not disappoint. I knew it would be good when I walked in and saw 2 Rolleiflexes. He didn't use them, but he did use a Hassy, Holga, Diana, 11x14, and 8x10 (which at one point was hanging above me pointing straight down at me). Yeah, awesome. It felt good. Painstaking film work is much fun, although I seem to have strained an achilles tendon from all the pointed toe poses. We plan on shooting again in the future once he makes his (platinum) prints and knows what really worked for us. Nice guy, knows his stuff. Can't wait to see the prints, but these things don't happen immediately.

On my way home, the tube skipped a stop because of some sort of unrest/assault on the platform. I couldn't see anything as we passed, though.

Danny just put his fuzzy jumper on the foot of the bed, and Croky is having sensory overload, just sitting on it, staring into space, purring hard, and kneading a little. Adorable.

Derby tomorrow!!!!!!!!

A polaroid from Michael Sloane. This was my first ever large format shoot, if I remember correctly. He ended up liking the polaroid more than the regular film.

Busy week

2009-01-08T17:19:00.003Z

I dreamed about her last night.

Damn it.

Stephen. Brooke.

Then awoke very groggy, and haven't been able to shake it. An odd feeling in my head.

This week has been a lot busier than usual, which I suppose is a good thing. On Monday I went to Marble Arch to exchange my skates for a better, smaller size. They didn't have them in black, so I now have white skates with pink laces and wheels, which isn't as badass but is pretty cute (and the LRG colours are black and pink).

On Tuesday evening, Danny and I took a very cold walk to the Half Moon pub to meet fellow rollergirl hopeful (and musician and photographer) Laura, and her friend. They were nice, as were the Stella and delicious stone baked pizza.

Yesterday turned to shit. I walked an hour (including one wrong turn) to a family planning clinic to get more birth control pills. Upon arrival, I was told that part of the clinic was only open in the morning that day, which wasn't what they told me on the phone when I called to check the details. I also needed to get cash, but for some reason my PIN number hasn't been working. So I walked nearly an hour back home, feeling rather cranky but telling myself it was good exercise. Soup and Red Dwarf raised my spirits a little, but I'll have to go back on Monday evening when they're open next.

Today we walked to West Norwood for the post office and a few other errands. Tomorrow evening I have a shoot with a wonderful photographer, and Saturday is the rollergirls basic skills session!! (Unfortunately I will miss the protest for Gaza because of it, but I'm hoping to attend the next one.) Sunday I may see Gemma, as she's in town for a few days. There are some other very important things I need to deal with as well. Frustrating, stressful things. But they should relieve stress in the long run... hopefully.

I'm craving pad thai. I don't think there are any Thai places in our neighborhood.

Oppression

2009-01-05T04:16:00.003Z

I simply cannot support U.S. support of Israel's actions. I understand it's all about money, lobbies, etc., but I don't care. Oppression is wrong. Mutilating hundreds of Palestinian civilians is wrong. The embargo on Gaza is wrong. Now, I am not saying that Palestine is perfect, far from it. But Israel is not going to achieve its goals the way it's going about this. The upcoming elections there are one reason they're doing it, that much is obvious. And that doesn't make it okay.

Do you feel good about America supporting this in the name of "fighting terrorism" and our "best friends in the Middle East" that "share our common values"?

Of course I have been called a racist and a Nazi for these views, but what can you do with narrow-minded people? One person who called me that actually had the balls to call Obama a racist days before the election. I'd say he was/is projecting. I'll condemn anyone who commits such actions as these, including the U.S.

Yes, the history in that region is VERY long and complex. It's kind of a chicken or the egg thing, but that does not justify the current actions.

My discussions about this issue aren't all negative; on the contrary, I've learned so much, and am still learning. And I've been presented with the opportunity to attend the next protest in London. Obviously I won't go crazy as I don't want to be arrested/deported, but I'd like to be part of it, and speak with people in the real world who have connections to the situation. I will also photograph it with the Rollei!

But I digress. Almost 48 hours ago, Israel (the IDF) bombed a large civilian street market in Gaza.

Warning: Despite being a low quality video, this is graphic and disturbing. Which is exactly why you should watch it.

(There are links to high quality versions as well:
High quality .mp4 & low quality .flv video files
Megaupload Download Link (45.3MB)
Rapishare Download Link (27.7MB)
Direct Download Link (DropBox) (27.7MB)
To convert .flv & .mp4 video to other formats such as .avi, download WinFF or other program.)

In happier news, it's SNOWING!!! This makes me so very happy. It's beautiful; I can see it on the rooftops from where I'm sitting. It won't stay, but I even saw a fox down on the street poking around in the dusting of snow. Even if the foxes do make creepy noises during mating season, I still like seeing them.

In less happy news, my appetite has returned. Bleh. Unfair.

Everything feels either wonderful or terrible right now. I'm very excited for initial roller derby stuff coming up in a few days. And other things in my life have made some good steps forward. But there is also major stress, frustration, and sadness.

Rawr

2009-01-02T21:55:00.003Z

T H Taylor.

(Click thumbnail for full view.)

Dick

2009-01-01T19:28:00.000Z

Is how my year began.
Get your mind out of the gutter. Spotted dick. Hot sponge cake with raisins, smothered in warm custard. So sweet, so good. Danny made it when I was drunk and hungry around 2am. We had eaten a late dinner of tortelloni stuffed with chicken and bacon, with tomato and mascarpone sauce, sprinkled with grated cheddar.

We ended up not going to the London Eye for the fireworks. Danny wasn't feeling well, and we looked online and discovered that the viewing areas around Westminster Bridge and the House of Parliament often fill up with people and close by 9pm. We thought we wouldn't be able to find our friends or a spot to stand, so we stayed in... only to be a little bummed when we got a text saying that the bridge had merely a single-file row of people on it around 11pm.

But we had a nice night. Around 9 or 10pm I said it would be lame for me to get drunk at home but then decided fuck it, it's my birthday. So I had 2 pints of Absolut Citron with OJ, mixed good and strong. We watched the fireworks on tv, which was lovely (it really is one of the best fireworks shows on the planet), and had some touching new years/birthday/anniversary moments.

Some people made very kind and much appreciated efforts to be sweet to me for my birthday. Others were conspicuously quiet. I guess something that was suggested to me was mistaken, which is sad, but I can deal.

I slept off most of my hangover. I remember sometime in the morning getting up to close the curtain an extra few inches because I felt like the sunlight was melting me.

I'm nervously ready/optimistic for 2009. There's a lot I need to do, and a lot I want to accomplish in various areas of my life (relationships, modeling, derby, music, etc). I'll try to put my best foot forward.

David Swanson.

Noooooo it are mah birfday

2008-12-31T16:38:00.002Z

There are several reasons I don't really want to have a birthday this year, one of which is that I don't like the sound of "I'm 28", but oh well. I still have the skin of a 21-year-old. And the maturity of an 18-year-old...

However, I certainly can't complain about the sweet cards and amazing gifts. The rollerskates and protective gear were my main gift from Danny. He also gave me some fabulous items in the awesomely hilarious nerd game we play online, The Kingdom of Loathing. (If you're the role-playing video game type, I highly recommend that you try it. You could even join our clan.)

We're not sure exactly what we're doing tonight. Gemma invited us to Bristol, but it's 4 hours by bus. It would have been the most fun option, but meh. Ruan has invited us to meet his group for the fireworks by the London Eye, so we may do that if I'm drunk enough to stay warm. "Going out" would have been fun too, but it's just too expensive in London.

I (and Danny) won an award! Yesterday I was enjoying reading the Fluffytek blog's Golden Fluffies and smiling at seeing my blog mentioned as well as a photo of me used for David Swanson's win, when I scrolled a tiny bit more and came upon an award of my own. So here's my/our Golden Fluffy:

For this photo by Danny which I featured on October 21:

Thank you Rich and Lin! I hope to meet you soon.

Well, last blog post of the year. I hope you all have a happy new year, and thank you very much for reading my humble corner of teh interw3bs. It seems like 2008 was pretty craptastic for a lot of people, so know that you're in my thoughts as I hope for a better year to come for everyone.

Steve.

Derby, grrr

2008-12-30T15:36:00.000Z

I have several ideas for photo shoots with my skates, but this is just one result from Danny's and my impromptu shoot the other evening:

Now, I need to get my arse in gear and get shit accomplished, seeing as how I have some major deadlines approaching in my life. I wish I knew how to make decisions.

One down, one to go

2008-12-29T14:34:00.009Z

The first being Christmas, the second being New Year's Eve, which is also my birthday.
This holiday season has been a rough one for me. On Christmas Eve, I reached my breaking point.

Despite knowing I have done more things right lately than I used to, I feel like a failure in a lot of my efforts and relationships. And I am ready for the holidays to be over; I don't even really want to have my own birthday. We're still trying to work out what to do for it, as going anywhere in central London that night is horribly expensive, as fun as it would be.

I had a surprising realisation on Christmas Eve when I was wallowing in loneliness, feeling like I had no one while everyone back home was sharing so many warm holiday moments with each other. I miss someone I didn't expect to miss after a couple months of no contact (by my own choosing, although I didn't have much choice). I've had a lot of pain and anger over how I was treated, but perhaps it's not a lost cause like I thought. I don't know. I'm not sure I can put myself out on a limb and risk a repeat of what happened, but a friend has suggested that it might be worth trying to show love. And maybe I'll find that rock that I've been needing since I came here. It's kind of scary, but perhaps my original perceptions weren't so terribly incorrect after all. I just don't know. But I do know that I still care about this person.

Christmas Day lifted my spirits almost immediately. Danny's parents arrived in the morning, and we went to his aunt and uncle's house for a little while. Champagne was offered before noon, and I had my first homemade mince pie, which was delicious (it's kind of like fruitcake without the flour, inside a crust). Then we returned home to open presents and cook. I gave Danny a book of Helmut Newton's work, and he gave me a Rolleifix (a tripod mount for the Rolleiflex). His parents were too sweet, giving me a huge bag full of fun things like a short fuzzy robe, fuzzy socks, leg warmers, a skirt, tights, food, and more. The rest of the day was spent by a nice fire - eating, drinking copious amounts of wine, and watching Wallace & Gromit and the Dr. Who xmas special. Oh and we all had a little webcam/voice chat with my parents.

I still have no appetite. I think the Prozac I've started taking, in addition to the stress, is causing this. I sure don't mind! But I don't know that the Prozac is doing anything besides that. Oh the joys of a troubled mind. I wish I could just get the fuck over myself.

Some big news from the past couple days: Danny bought me a slightly early birthday present - ROLLER DERBY GEAR! I love you Danny.
I'm attending my first basic skills session on January 10. It's been a while since I have skated, but I'm optimistic that with some practice I might be decent and not break too many body parts.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season! Here's a Christmas tree... so to speak.

David Swanson.

Material

2008-12-23T00:19:00.001Z

Today we met Danny's friend Steve in central London for Christmas shopping and dinner. Shopping wasn't terribly successful, but it was a pretty nice day anyway. The weather has been fantastically mild lately (I miss snow a lot, but I do hate the cold), and there are festive lights all over the place amongst the beautiful architecture. We also walked past the Globe Theatre and saw Tower Bridge from a short distance. My legs are sore from all the walking, but we're about to hunker down to watch Harry Potter 5.

I've lost my appetite lately, which is a good thing for my waistline. It's not normal for me, as I love good food, but I'm chalking it up to stress, holiday and otherwise. Certain things have improved, others still need a lot of work, time, whatever. I'm trying...

I'm bored with my hair again. Or, more accurately, I get the urge to change my haircut when I get stressed (I got this style right after Danny and I got engaged, ha). I've had the fringe (bangs) for almost a year now, so I'm considering growing that out and going back to something like I had before. I would love to go long, thick, and wavy. But I don't want a weave. Danny thinks I should go short like Agyness Deyn, or perhaps something like this. My fears with short hair are styling time, limitations with my art modeling, and the fact that my ears stick out like a damn elephant. Another possibility to consider is keeping the cut I have but going platinum. Any opinions?

James. This was pre-fringe.

Ice queen

2008-12-19T02:44:00.000Z

This was, for some reason, my idea:

And this is how I got there:

Dave again, of course.

Masochistic me

2008-12-18T02:42:00.004Z

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should

Yeah, Counting Crows. Blast from the past. Why not.

I am a little crazy for the things I'm willing to do to myself for Dave's art. This was one of the scarier moments of my life. I did two poses, holding each one for about a minute (if I remember correctly). The water caused a complete loss of feeling in my legs from about mid-calf down, and then I had to wade back to the shore you see at the right of the photo, get dressed, and hop back into the lukewarm car, where my fingers and especially feet went through that oh so lovely burning process as they regained feeling.

The thing about posing in snow, ice, and icy water is that your brain shuts down. You literally cannot think in order to move into a new pose, so you have to plan in advance. Sometimes I do it myself, sometimes we come up with something together, and sometimes Dave knows what poses he wants, like in this case. And so you can all have a good hearty laugh at me, here is his evil shot of me wading out to that little island, shocked and hurrying because of the cold yet trying not to slip and fall, as that would be a whole new world of icy pain.

Extreme modeling I can handle. I do love it.

It's the drama I create for myself that needs to stop. Even if I wasn't the only one who had a hand in creating the mess. I have to be the one to break the cycle.

Gasp, wheeze, sniffle

2008-12-16T23:13:00.003Z

I have a head cold and can barely breathe. Sleeping wasn't all that easy last night... maybe better tonight. I don't usually get sick more than once a year, so this is a little annoying.
And I slept on my neck wrong when I practically passed out a couple nights ago. Slowly improving, but still hurts a bit. I've resigned myself to the idea that I'll have back pain for the rest of my waking life. I don't let it interfere with my modeling. And I can rarely turn down a good deep tissue massage; those knots are way down in there. The roots of the pain are in my violin posture and of course much thanks to the drunk driver who rear-ended my car in 2004.

On the bright side, my weight is back where it should be (for the most part, that is; I still have my problem areas). It often surprises me that I can gain or lose several pounds within a few days to a week, just by varying my portions.

Model(s) who blatantly copy my poses and look like flat-footed n00bs when they work with photographers who are less experienced and thus can't make the crap poses look good... amuse me. It's also funny when they use the same pose over and over again. I see through the bullshit, and I'm not the only one.

/bitchy moment

The laptop is finally home from being repaired! It took almost 3 months... crazy. Now I can lounge about on the laptop while Danny retouches photos. I hate being this worthless... but I love being this lazy.

The man who threw the shoes at Bush has allegedly been beaten in custody. If it's true, I would say it's just another example of how the Bush administration has done almost no good over there. Very sad indeed.

Back to attempting to figure out my entire life.

Danny shot this of Bink and me with his Mamiya TLR. He doesn't like it as much as I do because of the focus. Yet I think that is part of why the photo works.

Diagonal

2008-12-15T00:50:00.001Z

Dave and I got this in the studio during a recent winter when it was a touch too cold to model in the snow. My idea was to make my body as long and straight as I could. It's simple, but I've always liked the result. Perhaps in a vain way, but I'm so critical of my body in many, many photos... so I think it's okay to like what I see at times. And I think this, along with some of Dave's other studio work, is different from your typical one-light wonder "bodyscapes" that everyone does and calls fine art (although I think this was two lights, but you get my drift). I do get bored with figure work now because I've done so much of it, but every so often a pose just grabs me.

Pink unicorn

2008-12-12T23:18:00.001Z

Ziggy Stardust. There's Something About Mary. Just getting all those jokes out of the way.

Because I really dig this:

Gemma shot it last night, and she's only done a few shoots as a photographer so far. She also did the makeup and hair. Danny assisted for the shoot, and I believe all three of us took part in the retouching.

The pose? Yeah, all mine.